define me not

longing to find peace in a world that seems like the wind shifts every other second. the wind shifts you in ways that you never thought you would go. you understand at certain points and move forward and then others you step back and crash. you hear voices that are familiar and you are comforted. the voice of a friend who sings over you in the midst of chaos. you hear peace, joy and the love of someone who believes in you. when nothing and no one seems familiar, when you can't seem to understand why you did what you did a voice pipes in and reminds of you his calling. he says to you who you are and speaks to the deepest parts of you. he says that you are loved, cherished, and above all chosen to do great and amazing things beyond your capacity. you find hope in the fact that he defines you. you can't see it or touch it but you truly call feel him and hear him. you feel crazy sometimes when you seat before the invisible in sobbing tears wondering if you will be answered, comforted, or maybe even heard. you trust although sometimes you can't trust anything, you desire to see clearly the way you are and the way others are. your soul craves to belong, to fit somewhere, to understand, but to live in each moment regardless of how your circumstances are. you again remind yourself of what you are defined by.

Learning about leadership

I come across things each day where I can choose to lead or to follow. I want to always position myself as learner because thats what I am, someone on a journey figuring out things as I go along. I know myself well enough to know I can't sit in a classroom and expect things to come to me, I learn by doing and seeing. Most likely if you are close to me or I am close to you I am watching your life, learning from it and processing the way you do things.

I am reading two really good books right now, The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership and The Seven Habits of Highly effective people. I am an external processor so getting things on paper is good for me. Here are some of the quotes that I am thinking a lot about.

"Leadership is influence." I totally agree with this, if you have influence in the lives of other people than they will follow you and you will lead them.

"But that process doesn't happen overnight. Leadership is complicated. It has many facets: respect, experience, emotional strength, people skills, discipline, vision, momentum, timing- the list goes on. As you can see, many factors that come into play in leadership are intangible."

"Successful leaders are learners. And the learning process is ongoing, a result of self-discipline and perseverance. The goal each day must be to get a little better, to build on the previous day's progress."

I feel as if I am coming across something in my life that I need more of, self discipline. I am asking for those around me to help with it as well as challenging myself. Larry Bird before school everyday would do 500 freethrows. Greatness did not just come to him, he had to work for it. I hope that my life consists of many moments where I can be great. For now I hope that each day I will become more and more of who I am suppose to be, fully human made in the image of the creator.

you are everything and more than you need to be

do you wish the stars would sing over you and speak to you who you are? do you understand the capacity that your life has so much potential for good and for evil? can you see past the hurt and the shame that was brought upon you as child and look forward into your adult years? what does your soul speak to you? what are the good things that you hear about yourself from people? do you ever wonder when you will stop doing the things you don't want to do and start doing the things you desire to do? do you have longings inside of you that can not find words for?

i do, i long to find answers and conclusions to all these...

Loved

So I moved to Berkeley six weeks ago and took my first trip back to Los Angeles this weekend. It was a really amazing weekend and I feel refueled. One thing I realized is "We all get lost to someone, someday. Let's not forget to love and allow love in." My friend Cynthia wrote this in her blog. There are people who are in your life for a season and then others for the entirety of it. You realize that you have to loose certain people and the constant that they are to you. Some people are there for you for a few months and others many years. I experience the feeling of loosing friends when I move and become closer with others when I leave. Space does good and bad for me. It may not be bad though, room for new people to take priority in my life not take someone elses place just time invested elsewhere. These sentences run together in my head and may not make since on paper. You do in some since get lost in someones world. They may not have you up close and personal, but they still care. Never forgot the people who have changed your life and ALWAYS be thankful that you met them, interacted for a bit, and as a result were changed forever.

Cheers to this crazy thing I continue to start over for.

Friend from my past

I got onto facebook tonight where I had a friend request from my best friend in high school, Laura Mac. (Thats what I call her) My mind was flooded with emotion because of seeing her picture. I went onto her page and looked at her pictures from high school. I began to cry remembering what my friendship was like with her. Mac will tell you her story but I can give you a blurb. We became close friends my senior year of high school and she started hanging out with me and my community. Her life changed and the love she had for the world was channeled through her conversation with the Lord. I saw the pictures and was reminded how beautiful it was to watch her transform in front of me. I remember seeing God so clearly in my life and knowing how real He was because of the transformation that I saw in Mac. We have known each other for 6 and a half years now and we are still as close. We could pick up the phone tomorrow and understand each other but there is still something that I regret with Mac. I have not stayed as closely connected with her as I wished I had. If you could ever meet her you would understand why, her radiance, love for people. her ability to listen and love so well is amazing. She has a pure love for the world and people. She does not have agendas that are hidden and she really loves all people.

Mac came to Charlotte a lot to stay with us because she lives in Virgina now. My favorite time that came was when she brought Owen. Owen was a guy that she met in Lynchburg who was semi homeless, more or less he hopped trains and ended up in Virgina. Lucky for him he met Mac. I remember thinking how crazy she was for bringing him with her because she had no clue who he was but I also remember loving her more when she told me about Owen. Again, she has a pure loves for the the world and people. She has the ability to look past what is in front her. She is hippy at heart. I love her dearly and am going to try my best to stay more closely connected with her.

to rise and give this life another chance

I commit to giving people chances over and over again. I choose the path of forgiveness and leave defensiveness behind. I will stand with no fear inside and I will rise up against all the other voices inside me and around me that tell me what I am defined by. I will be defined by nothing but who I am and who I am becoming. Not by the things that I doing or how much money I have or how many things I have going on in a day. I know that what defines me will define what I do and I am okay with that. I am not okay with what I do defining me. When you have a burden to see something birthed in you and you carry it through all the way till you see it manifested, victory is the Lords.

Finally, moving.....

choose wisely

I had a friend call me today and remind me of things that I had done in my past that I was most alive in. He encouraged me in things that I started and it was amazing to hear. I like to know how to love people and I desire more everyday to know what it means to love people well. The power of life and death are within your words, choose wisely.

Cheers to the journey of figuring out how to put others above myself, care more about their dreams than mine, love them in the way they desire to be loved, be moved to compassion instead of judgement, to speak encouragement always and to risk on behalf of love.

black, white or grey....

You have certain things in your life that you see as black, white and maybe even grey. When you have a very black and white outlook on life it may come across as you being judgemental and maybe you are. What should determine what to speak about and what to stay silent about? When you see someone doing something that goes against your own beleif or value as a human being, do you say "to one his own way" or do you talk with them about it?

I am on a journey to figure about what to speak about and what to stay silent about. I don't want to use my beliefs to manipulate and control people, my intention is do never do that although somtimes I come across that way. To the world I may mean something and to myself something completely different. I am searching to figure out how I preceive things and how I come across. A letter to myself and those I love....

Dear Whoever,

My heart is to never look at you and hold you to a standard you don't want to be held to. The beat of my movement and my heart never wants to beat to hard to where I hurt you. I long to be able to look at you with a loving heart, good body language and open eyes. Never do I want you to feel that you can't come to me and share what is going on in fear that my beat and who I am and what I think will judge you. As I run and hold on to what I know is true I hope to come to a place where openness is goodness, love is first, and you fell free. To put you first, to hold you above, and to place you where there are no hidden agendas is my aspiration. That the words on this page would become the statements that my life convey. You are important, not defined by what you do but by how you do it and who are you becoming. I hope that as we converse and challenge each other that you know at the deepest place in your soul I only desire what is greatest for you by your standard. Not my own but by what your soul knows to be true. May you be spoken to in way that changes you for the best and not for judgement sake. You are valuable, loved and cherished.

From,
Me

Thank you to one of my greatest friends, Misty

Misty,

I write this letter for the world to see because you deserve the world to know and applaud you for what an amazing person you are. You have seen me through the past seven years with love, patience, hope, kindness and encouragement. You have a carefree heart with an ability to be free at all times. You are committed to the things you know to be true but you do not judge those around you. You live with love and laugh at all things. I could write about you for a very long time but I want to communicate one thing to you, I believe in you. I know that you will change the world and lives for the rest of yours. You will never give up on me or people around you. I love you and I am forever grateful for you.

With much love,
Laura